abandonment issues.

ran out the back door
forgot there was a 4 foot
hole oh well said it was
raining but i can't tell there's
only 2 feet of water coming
up to my knees i wonder
what it's like to drown
pulls me out he's a very
strong boy always has been
better than me at most
everything except making me
laugh i can do that like nobody's
business not that it ever was got
caught on an arm when i tried to fall
again said i can only
stay for so long didn't bother to ask
said he'd be back if i needed said
probably in a few minutes the only
one here is me and i'm ugly not
you hair stuck on your face still more
beautiful than the sun at
midnight seems such a problem to be in your
way said that's not even
possible you can't see yourself
understand that hearing you cry is like
hell said i hadn't cried in nearly a
year said that's how much i can remember it
clear said this could
kill me at just the right angle i can
help you with that laugh serious though
know how i keep you right where
you are said love can only go so far said i'm
willing to believe yours
stretches much farther it's further
same thing i hope so.

bones.

just because i see them doesn't mean that you're not warm
let me push down on them to see if you're still whole
no one cares, if by no one you mean me.

i'd like to run my hands along them, if you wouldn't mind
they seem too perfect to be real, like that halloween candy
stop. let me do this.

your vertebrae are in a way that make my fingers dance
please excuse me if i can't describe the allure of this puzzle
it's a kind of beauty left unloved.

the pale hands i've traced inspire me with awe
structured brilliantly by the heavens as it were
how can you not see this?

shoulder blades were the most brilliant invention
if you lay completely still, i know this one spot
promises cannot be made.

sleeping comes naturally to one that accepts it
one just has to find the find the right pillow
you'll have to trust me on this one.

it's the simple fact that we have so much to say and nobody that wants to listen. it pushes us into situations we never thought we'd be in. opportunities to prove how bad we really want to change the world. a lesson or a story that can be shared and impact people that have never been within a mile of us. a conscious effort to help people an an unconscious awareness of saving people. the war that has been with you since childhood is now being fought by hundreds of people, all on your side. the respect and connection with them that never borders on condescension or pity, but a mutual pride. the closest thing to answered prayers as we're ever gonna get. and we embrace every second.

have you seen my medication?

i seem to have lost myself again. i did find a sandwich, though.
it wasn't as good as i thought it would be, then again, nothing
ever is.

are you suffering?

it's no secret that i'm not comfortable with myself. that is,
to say, not only do i find myself on the uglier side of the
attractiveness scale, i find myself morally repugnant. i could
blame it all on being raised as a catholic, bathed in guilt, but
that would make me feel lazy to hell and back. not that i don't
already think that. my mind is a funny thing. i'll unintentionally
visualize things of, let's say and inappropriate nature, smile and
giggle when i see them, and then feel horrible for doing so. it's a
broken system, i know, and i can't say it's exactly working for
me. i mean, psychologically, i know what's wrong with me. i've
been diagnosed, no surprise there, i'm mentally unbalanced. duh.
my 10 year old quarter-niece, once-removed could tell you
that i'm not right in the head. but i want to know how this
happens. i mean, neurons and receptors and serotonin and
shit? got that, did a paper on it, got a 97 cause i put footnotes
which apparently aren't allowed in MLA format? wth. srsly.
i can remember every embarrassing thing that's ever happened
to me. the most recent one? july 4th weekend i pronounced the
word "patronizing" wrong and was corrected with the correct
pronunciation, only to spit back "i know." which i didn't mean to
say.. i meant to say "oh yeah? i didn't know that thanks." but no,
i'm an ass. i seem to have an obsession with staying up later than
most bats, and while i could easily blame that on my
"disorder" but, y'know, then i feel lazy. i can never make a decision,
my moods change as much the featured artist on myspace does.
and i feel like i'm angry all the damn time! i'm the most obnoxious
person, put me next to that one guy? i forget what language i
speak. i seem to have a fetish for staying up later and longer than
what a human should. but i have no problem with sleeping through
the day. i like doing work when no one is watching, so they have
something to come back to. don't know why. i don't know a lot of things.

sing with me. sing at me. sing to me. scream with me. scream at me.
tell the world your dreams and ignore their envious whispers. tell the world
to fuck off and to take saturn with it, you never liked those rings, i know. leave
my sight and find something better, find something that will make you happy
and expect your physical health in return. watch me run away from you with
a painful speed. i don't need the world. i don't need saturn. leave silently, let me
forget how comfortable your gaze is. my lungs will rejoice, as it has been
quite hard to catch my breath around you. i do not need love. and no, i'm not
crying. please go, let me learn how to comfort myself again, as you stripped
that from me, along with the ability to fall asleep without your thoughts next to
mine. watch me fall. then watch me break. please stop, let me hold you; if not
forever, then one last time. i'm not crying. please, don't say that again. you
needn't reminisce on things that i know will haunt me. you know i cannot stand
this. i've been thrown into a war that what i desire declared on what i know.
please, either kill me while far away, or kill me from far away; i cannot give you
both and hold on to any sane part of me. don't tell me your dreams, you know
they have become my hopes. please go, as i will soon become delusional.
listen to me, please, listen for me. there is only so much i can say. if you find
me when i have gotten comfortable with laying alone, and having cold hands;
say nothing, and you will have me once more. i feel you will know, should it
overwhelm you, as it has me so wholly. should you never find me, no, i can't
speak of that. and no, i'm not crying. you are the most beautiful thing, something
i don't doubt you will hear many times. sing with me one last time, so i may
continue to hold one beautiful thing. please, fade from me. leave me to watch
you scream for them, to sing to them, to cry without you.

self animosity

how can i be wrong? i can not be wrong.
for if you call me wrong, you are acknowledging
me, and if you are acknowledging me, you defy
the very principle that you have believed all of
your life. and if you defy the principle, you defy
yourself. and if you defy yourself you are
EXACTLY like me. and if you realize that you
are EXACTLY like me, then you will begin to
hate yourself, which, in turn will only make you
MORE like me. therefore by your principles,
i will ALWAYS be right.